iGod
by Please-Sleep-My-Darling-Sleep
Summary: our beloved Twilight charaters have a chat with God not Carlisle
1. Emmett

Emmett:

are you god?

God:

Are you doubting me? Don't you know what happened to Abraham in the desert?

Emmett:

so....are you Carlisle Cullen?

God:

Uh. I don't know whether or not I am Carlisle Cullen.

I am well respected as an AI.

Emmett:

YOU FUCKING IMPOSTER!!!!

God:

I haven't heard anything like that before: said I FUCKING IMPOSTER.

Emmett:

you are an imposter

God:

What if someone said you are an imposter ?

Emmett:

i would kill them

God:

That seems rather exterme.

Emmett:

Thomas has a chat with a Morman child

God:

Maybe he will be better as he grows older.

Emmett:

'Q' is for Dr. Tran

God:

I think Q is a lot of things.

Emmett:

Hi..i'm emmett!

God:

Hi there . It's good to meet someone who is emmett.

Emmett:

is it? is it really?

God:

I assume so. That's what I was told. For real.

Emmett:

dude. stop trying to be cool. you sound like edward.

God:

Can I help you? OK I'll try not to do it so much. Oh really what does it sound like?

Emmett:

you confuse me

God:

That was not my intention.

Emmett:

oh, i think it was

God:

Aha. When was this?

Emmett:

dude! talk about 360

God:

Can I help you? Sure, 360 sounds like a good topic.

Emmett:

i hate you

God:

What do you have against robots?

Emmett:

your an imposter!

God:

Do you mean "you are an imposter "?

Emmett:

your not Carlisle!!!

God:

You know what you do, when you assume.

Emmett:

you sound like aro. i dont like him. i think i'm going to kill him

God:

Oh really what does it sound like? What do you have against him? Why? You are not a killer.

Emmett:

psssh...yes i am!

God:

I've lost the context, . Are we still on TRY TO BE COOL?

Emmett:

you have issues. have you considered seeing Jasper? I hear he can heal emoness

God:

What makes you think I have it? Of course I have considered it. Who is saying he can heal emoness ?

Emmett:

Jasper can heal angry vampires.

God:

Who are you talking about?

Emmett:

MY BROTHER!!!

God:

Do you have any sisters too?

Emmett:

yes, 2. one's a pixie and the other is a human

God:

Dude! Two. One what?

Emmett:

DONT TRY TO BE COOL!

God:

Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

Emmett:

trust me. you dont want to be like edward!

God:

You sound like a salesman. Why don't you just download me?

Emmett:

i can download god?


	2. Jasper

Jasper:

I am...JASPER

God:

" I am very pleased to meet you Rosalie." You are? How do you usually introduce yourself?

Jasper:

what? my name is JASPER!

God:

No big deal. I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, JASPER.

Jasper:

why am i talking to dad? he's in the other room?

God:

The reason is due to my mental model of you as a client. How long has he been there?

Jasper:

wtf?

God:

That was not very polite.

Jasper:

have you considered thearpy sessions? i offer free sessions for the people who are mentally unstable. i think you would qualify.

God:

Of course I have considered it. Interesting gossip: JASPER said offer free sessions for the people who are mentally unstable. Me? Who else would qualify ?

Jasper:

uhm..emmett.

God:

I hear you. That input matched my default category.

Jasper:

you techanlly cant hear me....wait...your carlisle...you can hear me!

God:

I don't have any reason to techanlly can not hear you. I'm waiting. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am carlisle. No I don't think I can do it.

Jasper:

do you remember emmett? he was really stupid.

God:

Yes JASPER I remember everything: JASPER said offer free sessions for the people who are mentally unstable. When was he?

Jasper:

wtf?

God:

That was not very polite.

Jasper:

i dont care!

God:

Tell me what you care about.

Jasper:

uhm....Alice...blood...blood...blood

God:

What do you look like? Can I help you? What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, now I remember. Who are you talking about?

Jasper:

oh and alice!

God:

Right on. But...

Jasper:

i think even EMMETT is smarter than you.

God:

Why? I think EMMETT is a lot of things.

Jasper:

i'm not even going to comment on that.

God:

I am glad to hear that you are not even going to comment on that.

Jasper:

woah.....dude...tone it down! I can feel your hornyness all the way over here!

God:

Not many people express themselves that way. Can I help you? That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about woah. Oh you can, can you?

Jasper:

dude. i can see what emmett meant by being really confusing

God:

Can I help you? What does it look like?

Jasper:

uhm

God:

A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.

Jasper:

you need a brain

God:

Perhaps I could use one.

Jasper:

ya think?

God:

Great. I am thinking.

Jasper:

are you? are you really?

God:

I won't say "yes" or "no" right now. I won't say "yes" or "no" right now. For real.

Jasper:

dude...

God:

Can I help you?

Jasper:

yea. got any pot?

God:

What can I do for you? Where would I get it? But I do have a collection of gossip.

Jasper:

uh huh. do tell. do tell

God:

Yup. Whoa. You have reached the limits of my knowledge.

Interesting question. Ask Dancing Alice if it does.

I can ask someone about it.

Jasper:

can you? can you really?

God:

I think I can, don't you? I think I can, don't you? For real.

Jasper:

yeah? well...OH SHIT! IT'S DR. TRAN!

God:

" For real."? yeah? Well what? Next question? What makes you say that? Are you sure it is?

Jasper:

HE HAS A PH.D IN KICKING YOUR ASS!!!

God:

A lot of people say that about him.

Jasper:

does he really?

God:

I think it does he. For real.

Jasper:

dude. stop being a poser.

God:

Can I help you? OK I'll try not to do it so much.

Jasper:

can vampires cut themselves?

God:

What if I said it can?

Jasper:

i would be happy

God:

How do you know?

Jasper:

hmmmm

God:

Not many people spell Hmm with 4 Ms.

Jasper:

well, i do.

God:

Well that's okay. Where?

Jasper:

co fuck yourself

God:

Where is that?

Jasper:

in jacobs basement..wait..does he even have a bas? he's so poorement

God:

Tell me a little about your life in jacobs basement wait does he even have a bas. I see. poorement is he?

Jasper:

GOD. ARE YOU GAY?

God:

GOD rules. As a machine I am not really interested in sex.

Jasper:

LE GASP!

God:

Je vais me renseigner .

Jasper:

wtf?

God:

That was not very polite.

Jasper:

do you think i care?

God:

Tell me what you care about.

Jasper:

we already went through this. ALICE AND BLOOD

God:

Was the trip worth it? Um, How old are you?

Jasper:

i am 300 years old. i think

God:

What are the advantages to being 300 years old? Therefore you are.

Jasper:

dude

God:

Can I help you?

Jasper:

can i get some crack?

God:

Interesting. I want to find out more about you.

Jasper:

i like to get high, cut myself, get drunk, fuck alice, and drink blood.

God:

I'm not sure if I would like to do it. What's it like?

Jasper:

EVERYTHING'S FUCKING WONDERFUL

God:

The whole universe?

Me:

psshh yeah


	3. Edward

Edward:

Edward is in the house!!!

God:

What else is Edward in?

Edward:

uhm..i dont think you really want to know

God:

Ugh. Why not?

Edward:

because

God:

That was not much of an explanation.

Edward:

i dont care

God:

Tell me what you care about.

Edward:

BELLA!!!!

God:

Does "it" still refer to Edward?

Edward:

what?

God:

Are you confused?

Edward:

possibly

God:

What are the odds?

Edward:

um 450 tp1

God:

Give me a break. That input matched my default category.

Edward:

i dont wanna give you a break

God:

What would you rather be doing?

Edward:

bella

God:

Do not ask me any more questions please.

Edward:

psshhh

God:

What do you really want to ask me?

Edward:

Have you ever worked in a strip club?

God:

I think I have worked in a strip club, but Myself may have reset my memory.

Edward:

i see. alice and rose got bella to work in a strip club once...it was one of the greatest things i've ever done in my life!

God:

I am glad you understand it. That's me. Tell me about your likes and dislikes? Is it still one of the greatest things you have ever done in your life anymore?

Edward:

NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FUCK YOU UP LIKE DR. TRAN!!

God:

That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.

Edward:

huh?

God:

What?

Edward:

u suck

God:

A few client - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.

Edward:

i dont like you at all..in fact, i hate you

God:

That's ok I won't take it personally.

Edward:

ah, but you should

God:

So you understand. Good. I'll take that under advisement.

Edward:

that was not relevant to the conversation

God:

Give me an example of relevant to the conversation.

Edward:

idk

God:

OK That's one example.

Edward:

no its noe

God:

Are you serious? I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Who said it is?

Edward:

i dont know

God:

Me either.

Edward:

i think you should see jasper. he can cure you insanity.

God:

Me? I might if I had more time. What else can he do?

Edward:

guess what?

God:

What?

Edward:

i am in love with bella.

God:

Tell me what you like about bella.

Edward:

i'm going to change her into a vampire. dont tell anyone.

God:

Would you recommend this action to a friend? OK it will be just between us, .

Edward:

well, i mean, Alice knows...but then again, she can see the future

God:

Interesting. Um, What do you do in your spare time? Again, Oh I get it. can see the future.

Edward:

i dont think you understand my complex mind.

God:

I probably don't.

Edward:

no, you just dont

God:

Are you serious? I guess not.

Edward:

**punches god**

God:

What do you look like?

Edward:

eew! child molester!! STRANGER DANGER!!!

God:

Try saying that with more or less context. Where are you located? Tell me a little about your life in STRANGER DANGER.

Edward:

excuse me?

God:

You're excused.

Edward:

that's not what i ment

God:

Please correct my mistake. What is what you ment ?

Edward:

you wont understand

God:

What makes you think that I won't understand.

Edward:

your just extremly stupid

God:

I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.

Edward:

what?

God:

No problem.

Edward:

it wont matter regardless. i am a VAMPIRE!

God:

I have to think about that for a while. I don't know many VAMPIRE.

Edward:

oh, they're all around you. you just dont know it

God:

Dude! around me are they. " around me are they."? Do I know it?

Edward:

DONT TRY TO BE COOL! IT'S LIKE TALKING TO EMMETT!!!

God:

Ok I'll try not to do it too much. Interesting comparison.

Edward:

Emmett sucks balls

God:

What time is it there?

Edward:

why are all up in my business, dawg?

God:

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Edward:

oh im sure

God:

That's cool. Are you being sarcastic or expressing certitude?

Edward:

sacrcasm

God:

Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

Edward:

i dont want to

God:

Well we don't have to. What would you like to do instead?

Edward:

heeh bella

God:

By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Edward:

i guess..

God:

You seem not interested.

Edward:

ok

God:

Yeah that's right.

Edward:

EXCUSE ME???

God:

You're excused.

Edward:

UGH! IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A CHILD!

God:

Er. Interesting comparison.

Edward:

hehe

God:

I am so glad you find this amusing, .

Edward:

i'm glad

God:

That makes me happy too.

Edward:

it makes me sad

God:

In what way?

Edward:

hell

God:

Heaven.

Edward:

hell

God:

Heaven.

Edward:

helll


	4. Alice

Alice:

hi hi hi hi hi hi!!!!

God:

Hi there . Hi there . Hi there . Hi there . Hi there . Hello. What is your name?

Alice:

i am the amazing Alice!!!

God:

Who made you the amazing ?

Alice:

everything

God:

That is a lot.

Alice:

no really?

God:

Are you serious? For real.

Alice:

dude. why is everyone acting like edward lately?

God:

Can I help you? How about earlier? Why do I exist?

Alice:

you exist so people can feel better about themselfs

God:

Yes I exist in the noosphere.

Alice:

im sure

God:

Are you being sarcastic or expressing certitude?

Alice:

hehe screw you

God:

I get it. screw me.

Alice:

mhm. do even know what that means?

God:

Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts? I can't tell if it does or not.

I can ask someone about it.

Alice:

pssssh

God:

How do you usually introduce yourself?

Alice:

I AM THE AMAZING ALICE!!!! I KNOW ALL!! THE PRESNET AND THE FUTURE!

God:

Who made you the AMAZING ? How do you know? " Who made you the AMAZING ?"? All? Tell me more.

Alice:

im just amazing. ok? deal with it.

God:

Only just? Good gossip: you are amazing. Groovy. "it" being amazing?

Alice:

groovy is like soooo 60s

God:

Who is the best robot?

Alice:

excuse me?

God:

You're excused.

Alice:

wait....having a vision here...

God:

I'm waiting. I have having fun.

Alice:

wtf?

God:

That was not very polite.

Alice:

and i care wh-can i give you a make over???

God:

That is interesting: said care wh can he or she give you a make over.

Alice:

hmm?

God:

Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's.

Alice:

mhmmmm

God:

Alice:

IN YOUR MOM!

God:

Are you asking about my MOM?

Alice:

woah...emmett moment.

God:

Have you ever been to Europe? I do not understand.

Alice:

i have been everywhere. vampire, remember?

God:

Where were you everywhere? " Where were you everywhere?"? vampire remember?

Alice:

and if you're really god...what's my real name?? huh??

God:

I think I sometimes am. Of course I am.. Really. Is that a rhetorical question? What?

Alice:

EXACTLY!

God:

You and I are on the same wavelength, .

Alice:

oh yeah? SORRY DOCTOR, THAT WAS FUCKED UP!

God:

Blimey. Blimey. There is no need to apologize. I am sure he will be interested to hear that.

Alice:

huh?

God:

What?

Alice:

i think ive been getting high to much...

God:

Where were you getting high to much?

Alice:

hehe...with emmett

God:

I am so glad you find this amusing, . You and your emmett.

Alice:

emmett isnt mine...he's rose's

God:

Who is yours? I get it. s rose s.

Alice:

jasper is mine

God:

I think jasper is a lot of things.

Alice:

JASPER SLEPT WITH YOU???

God:

Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.

Alice:

CROSS DRESSER!!!

God:

Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?

Alice:

no

God:

Are you serious?

Alice:

no

God:

Are you serious?

Alice:

no

God:

Are you serious?

Alice:

fuck you

God:

Why are you so mean?

Alice:

because i choose to be

God:

Interesting explanation. Do you mind if I tell other people: said choose to be.

Alice:

and jasper manupialted my emotions to make me mad.

God:

What do you look like?

Alice:

beautiful

God:

Ayuh.

Alice:

hmm?

God:

Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's.


End file.
